The F&L half term Tynwald report

Split over two rather bulky instalments here are the F&L half term assessments for this house of Tynwald. This week we cover Douglas and the East across to Ramsey (including Wicker-Man Ramsey), with the final instalment coming next week covering the Deep South and the West.

How have we scored your MHK?

Drop us a comment via: fearandloathingiom@email.com

You can now also find Part Two here:

Part Two

Douglas and its various provinces
David Ashford I may be a vampire, but I’m also a loving husband and father. Grandpa Munster. The Munsters. The Douglas human chameleon that is David Ashford MBE continues its metamorphosis away from our former pandemic Health Minister into its latest MHK persona like a poorly rejuvenated Dr Who, who simply woke up on the toilet wearing a slightly different waistcoat. Ignoring his likely nocturnal excursions stalking the dimly lit streets of Douglas having been rudely awoken from his comfortable earth filled casket - it seems that all Young David needs is an M&S suit and an overly inflated sense of his own competence in order to assume any Tynwald persona he chooses. We ask when will the residents of Douglas North finally wake up and realize that they simply voted for Woody Allen’s Zelig a man who out of a deep seated desire to fit in with his surroundings manages, via some unique form of psychological osmosis, to assume the characteristics of those around him. As such we wonder where Mr Ashfords unique talent for political mimicry will take him in the next two and a half years but no doubt he will be a credible and renowned expert in whatever future role he ends up in (inside his own head at least) just wearing a slightly different waistcoat.
Joney Faragher Hello this is Joney I’m sorry but I’m not home. Paul Evans (1978) Home still being Laxey rather than Douglas East according to the electoral roll. We feel that first-term MHK Joney has a lot of potential if she actually stuck to local politics rather than doggedly surfing the latest UK Labour Party trend in public indignation. Ms Faragher also seems to unfortunately project a fairly humourless vibe vaguely reminiscent of poe-faced 1970s morality campaigner Mary Whitehouse - perhaps leaving the public with the distinct impression that she might prefer to have most things banned on the grounds that someone might easily be offended by something. Then again that may well make her something of a Gen Z social media icon amongst those who don’t vote. Active party politics is very much needed in the IOM - that is until you observe members of the only substantive Manx party just lazily regurgitating UK Labour’s latest on trend social media outrage. Of course as Ms Faragher’s constituents will be well aware there is a lot of unfairness and inequality right on her doorstep and so maybe it's time to prioritize that public voice in amongst the party led collective noise imported from the UK and the Middle East.
Claire Christian Watch out, Pats, we are now entering a no fun zone. Edina Monsoon. Rather like Edina Monsoon we think Ms Christians performance so far has largely been absolutely fabulous. Although we can’t help wondering why this right-leaning government can’t find a more permanent slot for a business focussed MHK who clearly understands what Small to Medium sized IOM Enterprises need more than our DfE seems to. Although we suspect that we may well have found the reason for it right there The whole of the Isle of Man has been a relative no fun zone for most of this term of Tynwald. So maybe adding a touch of Claire somewhere that might offer some sort of potential economic benefit to taxpayers can’t be the worst thing Alf Cannan could ever do.
Chris Thomas When we lose our principles we invite chaos. Elliott Anderson (Mr Robot) This Blog has always liked Douglas’s monotone Mr Robot Chris Thomas MHK as a relatively predictable academic in a worryingly intellectually deficient Tynwald. But sadly being cast into the wilderness once more seems to have triggered some sort of existential crisis in Mr Thomas causing him to perhaps question whether he will ever be allowed inside the Tynwald tent again. Consequently, presumably in some sort of belief that he will be welcomed back into the fold one day, he seems to feel compelled to make public statements supporting failed departments and failed projects that most IOM residents collectively know have irredeemably failed. We said it in 2021 and we say it again - Mr Thomas’s best chance of getting back in would seem to be as a backbencher and a measured critic of Tynwald and certainly not as a fanboy of the DOI or any other failed government department. The civil servant’s friend is perhaps not the most effective optic through which to seek re-election in our humble opinion. But at least we believe that Mr Thomas is regularly spotted around his constituency unlike the ghostly Ka of Mrs Corlett which if invisibly brushed past might cause some residents to shiver.
Ann Corlett Dude I’m right here. Where’s Wally For someone who seems to have bet their entire re-election chances on a local commissioner style 20 means 20 campaign around a school the almost invisible one trick pony that is Mrs Ann Corlett seems to be firmly riding the last horse out of town already. More astute politicians may have guessed that nobody seriously bets their future on the DOI competently delivering anything for anyone and we suggest that poor Ann probably should have thought the whole thing through better three or four years ago as there appears to be many more pressing issues now affecting Douglas residents than a few speeding cars and some aspirant middle-class cyclists. But then she was a Douglas Councillor after all! It is rumoured that rather like Saddam Hussein Mrs Corlett will at some stage be pulled from a hiding space in some suburban duct or gully some time before the next election. Her constituents are understood to be conducting regular searches.
Claire Barber The history of the world, my sweet, is who gets eaten & who gets to eat. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. This is possibly the hardest write-up in this selection. Even Googling Ms Barber generally draws a blank outside of some pictorial appearances at public events. Recent press publicity though draws attention to the fact that she is in fact a Minister in DEFA and therefore amongst other things is responsible for our Meat Plant - a state funded failing quango that likes to inadvertently sell out of date sausages to Tesco’s whilst at the same time publicly complaining that Tesco’s won’t buy Manx sausages. We wonder what Ms Barber’s views on the relative attractiveness of Manx sausages, or indeed any other Manx meat product, are as she appears to confidently sit over multiple layers of Manx agricultural failure without so much as a comment at all. In fact in DEFA Ms Barber sits over a veritable broken biscuit tin of damaged state facilities that should probably be shut down for their own good but which, like a Manx version of British Leyland, will inevitably lumber on for years yet so that the terminally inept can eke out a meagre living from Treasury. To close we suspect that both Ms Barber and Mrs Corlett will probably be found hiding in the same Douglas gully at some stage. Hunted down by constituents anxious to find out what they have done for the £175,000 in salary and benefits (minimum) they have each pocketed in the last two and a half years claiming to represent the people of Douglas.
Sarah Maltby There’s a very logical explanation for all this. Velma Dinkley. To put our comments in some sort of context the current Chair of the Manx Labour Party (MLP) was effectively knobbled immediately on arrival by bagging a post in Treasury which feels like an incredibly good tactic by Alf Cannan but an incredibly poor outcome for both her and the MLP in the long run. If we recall a similar tactic worked well on old man Cretters who was dropped into Trade & Industry from 2006 onwards to similarly rein him in. The end result is a heavily conflicted MLP representative who could deliver so much more for MLP and who it would probably be good to hear from in a more substantive form in relation to many pressing Manx social issues In the meantime though the Cretney personal PR machine is fully fuelled and firing on all six cylinders seven days a week to push out Mrs Maltby’s lovely personal brand in the absence of any notable political commentary arising from the enforced Treasury connection.
John Wannenburgh Who is the dickhead now, eh? Arjen Rudd. Lethal Weapon 2 We imagine this was the phrase used by Mr Wannenburgh to Douglas North hopeful returner Ralph Peake when the 2021 results were finally announced We tried to parody John in picture but as per our 2021 write-up the general perception seems to be that you sort of get what you voted for with Mr Wannenburgh. In an electoral area where the only alternative is a fantasist political chameleon who surely roams the streets after dark looking for fresh elderly souls to consume we guess that the voters of Douglas North at least know where they stand with this representative.
Middle
Stu Peters I tell you being an entrepreneur is a heavy responsibility. Learning that word wasn't too easy either. Waylon Jennings narrator of the Dukes of Hazzard As with John Wannenburgh above we suppose that at least what Stu Peters said and promised to deliver at election time was genuine and still largely holds true. You might not specifically like anything he said, and in fairness you probably still won’t, but Peters’ basic stance and approach to politics hasn’t changed that much from his election manifesto. That’s not to say he’s done much that’s tangible either but the people of Middle know what they voted for - a climate change denying third rate Clarkson clone who is able to completely deflect from how abysmal our post service is just by posting a few inflammatory posts about wind farms on Facebook to get the ‘wokes’ angry. He knows it works time and time again as he was doing it on radio long before social media was even invented. If you ever fantasized about buying a five grand Merc off Jezza on Facebook then Stu Peters is your IOM surrogate. But don’t put the cheque in the post - it will take at least three weeks to get there if it even arrives!
Jane Poole-Wilson If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s snobbery and one-upmanship. People trying to pretend they’re superior. Makes it so much harder for those of us who really are. Hyacinth Bucket Possibly the most disappointing new Manx political incumbent ever. Has the Deputy Chief Minister (a term which seems to have been invented personally for Mrs Poole-Wilson) actually done anything tangible since being elected other than waffle on about laws against deep fakes in a somewhat ironic manner? Like Chief Minister Alf Cannan, Mrs Poole-Wilson seems to think that hiding in plain sight is the most effective protection mechanism to deploy while little appears to be actively going on.
Garff (or referred to in Onchan as not Onchan)
Daphne Caine Jeepers! Daphne Blake. We don’t feel especially good writing this up but Garff’s own environmental Care Bear in Chief has to be one of the most disappointing and now completely conflicted MHKs to quietly slip back through the net in 2021. Our guess is that having been Childrens Champion last time round they banked on Mrs Caine not being elected again and then had to thoroughly scratch their heads to decide what to give her that wasn’t actually a Ministry when she was one of the few experienced MHKs to get back in. The wind farm she wanted is predictably in the wrong place according to her and nothing anyone else proposes to do to save the planet ever seems to be right according to her either. We assume that it must be comforting to be so right on everything despite the millions the taxpayer spends each year on independent expert reports and surveys. And to cap it all Mrs Caine is now in charge of climate policy as well as the mega polluting TT and our superfluous sulphur belching Steam Trains - possibly the most conflicted role ever created by Tynwald. Presumably to try to catalyze a departure from the Climate Change Board at some stage as it seems to be the Tynwald equivalent of an attempt at constructive dismissal in any private sector political play book. Take the hint it won’t affect your take home pay and the cash sucking virtue signalling has to stop.
Andrew Smith Hey! Mr Tambourine Man play a song for me. The Byrds (1965) Another Tynwald member that nobody seems to have heard anything from for over two years (outside of his first month in office 180 degree u-turn on assisted dying). We deliberately listed this section as not Onchan as the people of Onchan seem to have even less time for the MHK’s of Garff than the people of Garff have. Which is probably a good thing considering Mr Smith’s world view which appears to be derived directly from the fire and brimstone tambourine bashing of the Salvation Army Citadel and the 1930’s black shirt movement of Sir Oswald Mosely. Treasury is a key post and yet who would have thought that Garff could find a less low profile MHK than the ultra low profile Martyn Perkins to fill it? We do suspect there may be an end of term Rivers of Blood speech in there at some stage though. Or perhaps as it’s Laxey that would just be rivers of mud.
Onchan (not bloody Garff)
Rob Callister I don't care about the past - I believe in the power to reinvent yourself.  Lex Luthor. And reinvent himself Rob undoubtedly has. No longer the people’s Facebook friend and hapless online content provider as two hard terms in Tynwald have taught Mr Callister that you can’t just surf the digital ether for social media likes - you are also expected to do something tangible. But sadly for Mr Callister when he is asked to do something tangible it doesn’t tend to last that long or end especially well. We envisage that [Take care] Rob C will get back in again though as Peter Karran got almost thirty years out of Onchan voters in the end. Maybe there is a lot of lead in the Onchan water system but it’s generally easy to spot a long-term successful Onchan candidate who is aligned with the people of Onchan’s rather unique demands and expectations. As we note below though it’s clear that next time round more Onchan folk will be demanding representation from Onchan MHKs - such is the staggering non performance of the Garff interlopers.
Julie Edge If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing. Margaret Thatcher Onchan does seem to benefit from two diametrically opposed MHK’s which is probably a good thing in reality with the contrasting styles of the social media horse-whisperer that is Rob Callister and the clear social media instant reaction triggerer that is Julie Edge. If you want to create a polarized knee jerk reaction to anything in Manx politics just take to social media and say that Julie Edge said it; or if you want people to agree with something on Facebook just say that Rob Callister said it! It seems to be that simple in Onchan. And to the angry people of the Southern plains Ms Edge is now Maggie Thatcher Swimming Pool Snatcher! We suppose at least here we have an MHK who can’t be accused of shying away from making difficult decisions or courting controversy - and compared with Mrs Caine’s sanguine rainbows and fluffy bunny world just down the road in Garff there’s probably not much wrong with that. Onchan seems to be a fairly unique political ecosystem that is genuinely baffling to anyone outside of Onchan. Our guess would be that both Onchan incumbents are reasonably safe next time round but for totally different reasons and that it’s a fairly safe bet that part of the Sheading of Garff will once more be returned to Onchan in some sort of Funeral in Berlin style exchange on Groudle Road.
Ramsey (inc. freaky Wicker-Man Ramsey)
Alex Allinson Kato, we have a secret mission. Britt Reid, The Green Hornet We don’t know what it is with Ramsey and Treasury Ministers but Dr Allison seems to be firmly assuming the mantle of former Ramsey MHK Allan Bell in being the man firmly at the helm of the apparently booming Manx economic miracle whilst also presiding over a seemingly dismal and un-prosperous town that may well be reclaimed by the sea at some stage in an act of mercy. Although we strongly suspect Dr Alex’s Assisted Dying Bill is really just a secret tourist strategy for Ramsey designed to encourage new residents who would rather be imminently dead than to reside in Ramsey long term. Three months in a St Paul's Square bedsit would probably see most people off thoroughly elated that they would never be going back! At election time we referred to Dr Allison as the Ginger Ninja but in reality we suspect he is probably more like the Britt Reid the furtive Green Hornet - a well to do man who secretly infiltrates criminal organizations and somehow manages to leave behind enough clues for the authorities to work out what’s really going on behind the scenes. So if there is anyone with enough ability and confidence sack off the current economic strategy on the grounds that waiting for magic beans to fall from the sky isn’t a productive use of anyone’s time then it’s probably the good Dr.
Lawrie Hooper This country gets more like the boiler room of the Titanic every day. Confused orders from the bridge, water sloshing around our ankles. The only difference is they had a band. Rupert Rigsby. Rising Damp. There is certainly no band playing as Manx Care goes down - not even a bugler playing The Last Post as they don't have the budget for his fee. So where do we start with Mr Hooper and his almost one man political party which seems to really be a small but odd collection of political misfits who all seem to basically hate each other but who equally seem to like the sound of their own voices? So let’s just tactically leave it here. Under Peter Karran’s Liberal Vannin Party Rules political members of the Party were not allowed to take up MInisterial posts - and we humbly proffer the opinion that Peter Karran was irredeemably correct in his thinking.
Alfred Cannan Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show. Go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris .. I made a note in my diary on the way here. It simply says: "Bugger."  Captain Kevin Darling. Blackadder Goes Forth. Bugger indeed. This Blog has been largely supportive of Mr Cannan from outset for several reasons stated at the time. There seems to have been some good ground made early on in relation to high profile government exits and creating change within the wider public sector. But sadly his only media statements in the last few months have been to deny scurrilous rumours in relation to the Ginger Hall and rather predictable appearances on Manx Radio supporting the IOM Economic strategy - a strategy that uniformly nobody in the Manx private sector appears to support at all. Optimists might observe that a flawed strategy can always be changed or rewritten and there is no shame in that even if it has already been publicly committed to - but we all know how the civil service works and that politicians aren’t really driving the car. Many IOM residents are actively looking for change and don’t really care what it might entail now as it’s blatantly clear that the cost of continuing to do nothing other than praying for magic beans to fall from the sky is likely to be even worse long term. As a HR professional we assume Mr Cannan has dealt with fear of change initiatives before outside of government and if so then maybe its time to put those skills to good use from the top? it’s likely that most of the private sector would openly back him.
Tim Johnston I’m a bloody nice bloke. Tim Nice But Dim. Harry Enfield & Friends. We have almost nothing to add here other than wait for Tim to tell us what the DfE economic strategy will actually achieve as there does not seem to be one person affiliated with the IOM private sector who believes any part of it. Presumably the reason why we never hear anything much from the ever affable Tim!
Next week the Banjo twanging deep South & Peel and Glenfaba ..