Our national broadcaster and general low rent USSR-style political propaganda station has come up with a novel way of putting a public face to candidates in the 2021 election and its a format that we like very much. So welcome to .. Manx Radio's two minutes to Tell Us ..
If you want to meet the candidates who have been interviewed so far and get our direct take on their performance then we've linked the following two minute YouTube sessions in order of their general comedy value:
David Fowler
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuDvH2pkPPw We can’t work out whether he’s a rogue half Mr Bean half Alan Partridge cyborg that has escaped from a top security government facility or not. But along with Ian Clanton the IOM's very own Count Binface this robotic Accidental Partridge seems likely to be the one to follow if you’re just looking for comedy value this election. He's lived in the vicinity of Middle for years apparently but then needs to look down to his notes to remind himself that the constituency he is standing in is called Middle! We're not sure that either Rowan Atkinson or Steve Coogan could script his media appearances any better in order to mine comedy gold!
Tim Baker [AKA Professor Yaffle]
So thoroughly boring that we struggled to get through the second half and its still only two minutes long. At one minute thirty seconds it really is stick pencils in your ears territory. We imagine that in rural Ayre Mr Baker lives in a concrete bunker, under a wall, which is lead lined to screen out all radio and telephone signals such is his ability to completely ignore public opinion and the daily chaos and incompetence that surrounds him that has blighted so many peoples quality of life. He really does believe that he will get back in again too thanks to Professor Yaffle's special rose-tinted spectacles.
Gareth [Young] for Garff
The Gareth for Garff slogan genuinely appears to be his entire manifesto. He's called Gareth and he’s standing in Garff (they both begin with a G, get it?). Delightfully light on all substance even two minutes appears to be far too long a period for Manx Radio to wait for any of Gareth‘s actual policies or beliefs to emerge. If only he had the robotic comedy voice of Mr Fowler then we’d know instantly not to take him seriously at all. Vote Gggareth for Gggarff!
Kieran Hannifin
We quite like Super Hans Middle's cheeky social media carpet-bombing ganjaman. Of course all of his policies and pretty much all he seems to stand for seem to be diametrically opposed to his constituency in Middle which is predominantly made up of wealthy Range Rover driving Farmer Giles types and the last vestiges of the IOM finance sector yuppies holed up in the vast estates of New Essex. Forty years ago he'd probably be burning FSFO into their immaculately manicured lawns but its 2021 and maybe the ganjaman can and mix it with some love and make the world taste good? We post further about Super Hans' rather poor social media strategy elsewhere on this site.
Daphne Caine
Rushed isn't the word but plenty of good ground covered by Daphne in less than two minutes. She's fairly certain to get back in at this stage looking at the unbelievably weak competition too. Looking at the hair, the breathlessness, and the hastily put together feel of this clip we were tempted to make a Tracey Brabin joke about wheelie-bins. But that's beneath us really.
Sarah Maltby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT7Ofs979Fk A bit like Gareth for Garff Mrs Maltby’s campaign seems to largely centre around one issue that being I’m David Cretney‘s daughter. Here we manage to capture her for two minutes carefully making sure that she doesn’t mention that she’s David Cretney's daughter for the thousandth time this month. It takes some real effort although she does give away enough subtle clues just to be sure. So please vote for Sarah Maltby .. if you didn't know already she's David Cretney's daughter and she's standing for The Manx Labour Party which is the party that her dad is Chairman of.
Rob Callister
Chris Thomas
One of the first of the old guard to submit to two minutes with Manx Radio although he has a knack of making a mere two minutes twenty-four seconds feel like a good five minutes or more. A very technical explanation of why people in Douglas Central should vote for him - as most people probably expected!
[Dr] MIchelle Hayward
Another commissioner who seems to be confused about what the role of an MHK actually is - vote for me and I will instantly morph from mere commissioner into a super-commissioner!. As a scientist she is used to making evidence based decisions. Which presumably is why Port St Mary Commissioners is in such a mess having run out of money they didn't have developing a property they had done no survey on which then needed more money spending on it than they thought. If you want the rest of the IOM to mirror rundown, under invested, cash strapped Port St Mary then we suggest that you probably aren't that bright and you likely will vote for one of its current commissioners as your MHK in September 2021!
Ralph Peake
Ralph who? Which is what most people in Douglas North will be saying. But here we see Ralph Peaking far too soon with an interview which emulates the length, detail, and style of Chris Thomas. So if you're in Douglas North and looking for a poor man's Chris Thomas Ralph is probably your man!
Paul Quine
Nothing really untoward here and quite well thought out. Except if we wanted to be really cynical about it here you do have a man who commercially flew planes for 25 years standing up against climate change like he really means it. Maybe the Fast Show Bob Fleming sideburns should go though. You're fighting an election in 2021 not 1976.
Joney Faragher
It seems that the chosen tone of MLP is bland and pseudo inclusive and here Joney does that to perfection. Maybe it would be good to see the personality behind the caring and inclusive statements rather than every message reading like a lecture from a tweed jacket wearing Marxist professor in a minor British Polytechnic circa 1975? Should we order a big yellow taxi for Joney? Or will we get to see her personality shine through? MLP might want to take a risk and set the personality free as she's a good candidate.
Claire Christian
Again quite a proficient no messing approach by Mrs Christian in getting across some of the things she's been able to cross off the list in the last nine months for the people of Douglas South. Providing hints, we might suggest, as to why Michael Josem is now standing in Douglas East this time round.
Kate Lord-Brennan
All she really needed to do was spend two minutes explaining to the people of Glenfaba and Peel that she isn't Osama Bin Harmer. Which she sort of did. We need a reset of government as things aren't working (take that Cabinet Office & Ray Harmer). An overhaul of government operational delivery (take that Infrastructure & Ray Harmer!). Locally the Peel Marina and the toxic slit (take that Infrastructure & Ray Harmer). To be honest she could have just spent two minutes being filmed walking down to the breakwater and shooting some freshly caught fish in a barrel. Vote for Kate - she's not Ray Harmer!
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